"AMP Up Before You Score"

"AMP Up Before You Score"

I'm sure you have already heard about Pepsi's AMP energy drink-related iPhone app that is designed to help men score with hotties and then brag to their Twitter friends about it.  Of all the articles I've read about it online today, this one from Jezebel is my favorite.  If only because it pins the blame for this horror directly on "bro culture."  

"Bro culture" is such a great term, I wish it would get more mainstream attention.  For about six months in college I lived in a small house on Greek Row in Seattle's University District, and boy did I get a lifetime's worth of bro culture.  From the uniform (backwards baseball cap, no shirt, cargo shorts) to the ridiculously abbreviated language (Chug! Chug! Chug!) bro culture is so much more than "frat boys," although that's where it starts.  But you can hardly call a 45 year-old stock broker a "frat boy," can you?  Thus, "bro culture" fits the bill.

So Pepsi wants you to "AMP Up" and then score with hotties.  They are here to help you with both of those things, in fact.  First, they are of course the purveyor of AMP energy drink, which will get you all jittery and excited.  So sexy!  

Next, this Pepsi iPhone app gives you an animated set of cards that you can use to identify your target.  Much like the airplane silhouette cards used by WWII enemy aircraft spotters, the AMP app helps you figure out which kind of girl you're looking at.  

(Although anyone who needs help identifying "twins" needs more help than an iPhone app can provide.  By the way, it is my experience that most men who fantasize about having sex with twins have not taken into account the fact that this is incest.  The twins, they are not identical copies of the same girl.  They are in fact sisters.  If they get naked and have fun with you together, it is incest.  Just an FYI.)

Once you have identified your target, the app gives you helpful advice on how to score with it.  I mean "her."  Because this is a person, right?  Not just a thing, a pawn in your odd little game?  Just checking.  Sometimes it's easy to get confused.

Step two in their foolproof plan is "Keep a List."  The app includes a Brag List, where you can record "a name, date, and any details you remember."  This is so that you can brag to your bros at home, see.  Or to keep your memories alive and warm on those cold empty nights after the rest of the world realizes what a waste of flesh you are, and leaves you alone in your living room.  Forever.

Step three is simply "Brag."  The app connects to your Twitter and Facebook accounts, allowing you to update the world with your current scoring status.  "Crazy bitch just threw my iPhone on the ground and kicked me in the knee" hopefully being one of them.

If you would like to provide feedback to Pepsi, you can do it from the following website: Contact Mountain Dew.  I did!  It was fun!  Ordinarily I'd advise you to leave a clear, calm, rational, thought-out message in order to effectively get your point across.  But in this case Pepsi obviously doesn't care what women think, so hey, go nuts.

 

UPDATE 10/23/09

I just got an email from Amp saying that due to public criticism, they are discontinuing this app.  WOO HOO!