My husband and I used to fight over him leaving his clothes around on the floor for me to pick up. Well, that’s not quite true; I yelled and he rolled his eyes. We both work, but even if I were a typical SAHM without an outside job, my job would still not be picking up after him in this manner. Here’s why.

Leaving your clothes behind and expecting someone else to pick them up is not only a conceited, thoughtless gesture that makes you seem pretty darn lazy; it’s also a gesture—whether conscious or unconscious—that signifies to your partner that he or she is of less value than you are. When you leave behind your soiled clothing for someone else to pick up—whether he or she is paid to do so or not, actually—you are leaving behind a message, as well: “Hey, I don’t have the four seconds it takes to put these in the laundry, because my time is that much more important than yours.” Or perhaps, “This task is beneath me, but not you.”

I know moms who have to pick up after their husbands and children, and most of them complain about both. How on Earth are you going to teach your kids to pick up after themselves when their own father won’t even do it, I often wonder. Anyone—parents, doctors, teachers, so-called “child experts”—will tell you that the best way to teach children is by example. Is this the example that you want your children to learn by? Mothers, do you want your sons to learn this for their future partners, too?

I don’t mean to be sexist here; I have yet to hear from a man or woman complaining about picking up after his or her wife in my own experience. Please note that this applies to women, as well, in such circumstances.

Then I know of mothers who claim that it doesn’t bother them at all, and I have to ask why they would allow such behavior from their husbands but not their children. Do your children pick up after themselves? Then it makes sense for the adults to do so, as well. Your husband is not an extension of your children. He is your partner. As such, he needs to support you (and, in turn, be supported by you) in your parenting and marriage—which includes taking care of yourselves and the house.

Maybe you think this is one of those “little things” that you need to let go of in life. I don’t. Try letting his clothes pile up where he leaves them (or any of these ideas) and see what his reaction might be if you truly think it’s that little. You are a wife, a partner; not a maid. (I would argue that even maids should not have to pick up people’s clothing from the floor, though many would disagree with me, I am sure.) If you started to really notice your own self-worth, you might realize this, too.