Today I read a really amazing thing, so powerful that I had to take a few hours away from the computer to process it.  The article is titled "Confessions of a Date Rapist," and you can find it here, but I want to warn you ahead of time that it doesn't mince words.  I think it's important for people to read it, but I can understand why some people would prefer not to.

The article is written by a man who had an incident in his past, something he wasn't necessarily proud of, but he didn't really have a framework for it.  He later revisited it, after the awareness of date rape began to permeate our culture.  And he realized that he had, indeed, raped a woman when he was in college.

So the first point here is, a lot of people are tired about the topic of date rape being brought up again and again.  But clearly, this is having an effect.  It's doing what we want it to do.  These conversations - as unpleasant and aggravating as they may be for some people - give a valuable mental framework.  It's working, and we need to remember that we're reaching people where it matters.

The second point is, I obviously can't excuse what Jack M. did.  And that poor, poor girl.  But setting aside what he did, it took a lot of courage for him to write "Confessions of a Date Rapist."  He did it honestly and plainly, and that took guts.  I think a lot of people will want to vilify Jack M. for being a rapist, and… that's not entirely UNdeserved.  At the same time, we shouldn't applaud him just for having come forward.  Confessing something doesn't automatically win you the Nobel Prize for Humanitarianism And All Around Awesomeness, you know?

We need to be careful with the precedent we set here, is all I'm saying.

Third, and finally: the girl in his story was in no way wrong for what she did.  It was not her fault.  She deserves NO BLAME for what happened to her.  But I think every woman should read this unflinching account, if only to silently point out to themselves the moments at which the events of that evening could have gone another way. 

We often focus on martial arts, on weaponry, on self-defense skills as the ways to protect ourselves.  And don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important!  But equally important is cultivating the ability to assess the risks in a social situation, and act accordingly.  Don't be afraid that you're going to hurt his feelings, or you'll do "the wrong thing." 

Violence or action movie theatrics would not have been necessary.  A simple but firm "No thanks, I'm calling a cab," or "I need to leave now" or "I'm not going up to your apartment" would have sufficed.  Nothing about Jack M's account indicated that he would have responded with violence, and my sense is that this is true for most date rapists.  They don't think of it as "rape," they think of it as a "date."

Note how Jack M. repeatedly invoked the social contract in order to coerce her into coming to his apartment.  She even spent the night sleeping beside the man who had just raped her.  And therein lies the final message.  She obviously spent the night because she felt that it would be churlish or foolish to refuse, or because she felt it was what women were supposed to do in that situation, or because there was something wrong with HER, that she hadn't enjoyed the experience.  In other words, she somehow felt that this was a normal situation, and she should behave normally, like a normal woman would.

My heart breaks for her.  Please, don't let my heart break for you, too.