They will mess you up, and I’m not kidding.

I went to a Moscow newspaper the other day, following a link about a mummified baby mammoth discovery—which was, naturally, awesome. But then a few headlines grabbed my attention, and left me wondering just what the women in Russia are on—and where can I get some?

The first was about a woman they’re calling “the Black Widow” because of her love of spiders and scary movies. The 32-year-old has apparently raped ten men. She went out with them, brought them back to her house, drugged them, and then raped them. The clonidine she gave them apparently knocked them out for a full day, after which they would groggily wake up in a hospital with “penis trauma,” apparently from the woman having tightened their organs with a rope to keep them erect.

In other women rapist news, a Russian hairdresser who has studied martial arts bound a burglar who entered her salon in the basement with a hairdryer cord. She told witnesses that she called the police on him, but instead she ended up raping him for three days. Apparently she force-fed the burglar Viagra, and after the ordeal the frenulum of his penis was torn. I’m left wondering, why would you want to rob a hairdresser, and why use Viagra when rope is apparently just as effective and much cheaper, as the previous woman so aptly demonstrated.

If these two stories weren’t crazy enough, yet another Russian woman decided to inflict some penile pain onto a man—this one, however, was a loved one. When this woman discovered that her lover was leaving her to return to his ex-wife, she decided that she’d at least keep a souvenir. Only, instead of chopping off her boyfriend’s penis Lorena Bobbit-style, she decided to go all patriotic on him and blast it off with fireworks instead.

But not all of these stories are about sadism, destruction and missing members. One article I came across described a woman who, when witnessing a bear about to kill her husband, grabbed the creature’s back, dragged it off of him, and started screaming at it. Though her husband had previously fought the animal, it was Tatiana Shlyapuzhnikova’s screaming that finally chased the animal off. Extreme nagging power jokes aside, this woman was not about to let some punk bear mess with her husband.

She said, “I really don’t know I could do this. I just realized that the bear was about to kill my husband, if I didn't do something. I couldn't think of anything better to do than shout at the animal.”

So think about that, fellas, the next time you’re contemplating the European sex trade or mail order brides. It all just goes to show that it doesn’t matter who you are—average pleasure-seeking joe, crook, deadbeat boyfriend or wild animal—a Russian woman will still tear you up.