Yes, she’s a dingbat who would do anything—including die—for the boy-monster she thinks she loves. Yes, it’s a mawkish series (yet so oddly drag-you-in-like-an-orca-and-hold-you-underwater-until-you-can’t-breathe-and-die-ish for so many people) that’s pretty unoriginal (with the exception of glittering vampires, which is right out of a five-year-old’s imagination) and full of holes. But the Twilight series does have its teachable moments. Here are ten things that girls can learn from watching Bella bumble through misadventure after misadventure.

10. Don’t fall in love with a dead person.

This will only bring you heartache, suffering, and potential death. Go for a nice, breathing boy (or girl) instead—one who is enticed by your smile or eyes or even your butt rather than the smell of your blood.

9. You will not die from being cold.

Well, if it’s in the Arctic ocean and you’re stranded and the only thing that might bring you warmth is a potential slaughtered polar bear, it just might. But whining about moving from somewhere sunny to somewhere wet and cold isn’t going to do you any good (especially since, yeah, you chose the spot—which brings us to another lesson: nobody likes a whiner), and if you put on a freaking jacket you’ll be just fine. Oh, and if you’re so cold, don’t hook up with a guy whose skin is zero degrees; it won’t help.

8. Childbearing is your choice.

Just because your husband and father-in-law want to abort your baby (on your honeymoon, no less; how romantic!) doesn’t mean that you have to go through with it. This is one way Bella really was a heroine—for standing up for what she really believed in rather than simply going along with what Edward wants or doesn’t want (for once). Which leads us to…

7. Don’t compromise yourself. Like Janis Joplin said, “You’re all you’ve got.” So don’t make decisions based on what your passive aggressive vampire boyfriend says he wants. Besides, it will be something totally different in the next novel.

6. Wait until marriage for sex—or don’t. Just do it when you want to. And if you don’t want to wait, don’t get involved with a guy from the early nineteenth century with morals from the same time period.

5. If a guy watches you sleep, kick him in the balls and call 911. Stalking isn’t cute or romantic, it’s psycho.

4. Eat, dammit. We have a running joke in our house where Edward, Jacob, and Bella are characters from Napoleon Dynamite. Every time you turn around, someone is trying to get Bella to eat—so we say that Edward is Napoleon muttering, “Eat, Bella, you fat tub of lard! Gosh!” Then, of course, Jacob asks Edward for his tots, to which Edward retorts, “No, Jacob, these tots are for Bella! Gosh!”

3. Parents matter. And if you move across the country to let one parent have her freedom and new life, you’d think you’d also want to respect the other parent by, oh, not lying to him or putting him in jeopardy by falling in love with a vampire (or werewolf, for that matter).

2. Don’t be a martyr. Unless your parents are abusive or alcoholics, it’s not your job to get out of their lives so they can live like love struck teenagers; it’s your job to make their lives a living hell, or some semblance of it, until you turn eighteen—which, by the way, isn’t that far away. What a lame excuse to move somewhere you don’t like—a decision that should make us question Bella’s judgment from the first few pages on.

1. Violence in any form is abhorrent. Whether it’s bruising you up “accidentally” during intercourse or “accidentally” scratching the hell out of your girlfriend’s face as you transform into a werewolf (don’t most abusive people claim it was an “accident”?), it’s not okay. Neither is eating tourists.